One of many finish line family photos. Boulder Backroads. September '05.Once upon time, I was afraid. Afraid to run. Afraid to try. Afraid to fail. Somehow, something had changed in me. I was so caught up in all of the things that I wasn't--or didn't think I was (thin, fast, pretty, you name it). And then, there was the pregnancy. And the twin pregnancy. And then, there was bedrest. And then, there was the NICU. And then, we lived in a dark dank hamster-cage-smelling basement apartment. And I wasn't afraid anymore. Now, I was just trapped. That little girl with two long braids and new sneakers running down Berkeley Avenue after school was trapped. I was trapped in our apartment and I was trapped in a body that I'd not been able to use for months. A body that medications and hormones and a surgery had turned into something that I no longer recognized.
Sure, my body had done something amazing. It had given me two children who were finally home from the NICU and doing relatively well. Great really. They were even breastfeeding. That alone was huge. I had managed to do what everyone said I wouldn't or couldn't do, I had gotten my premature twins to the point that they were exclusively breastfeeding. But still and suddenly, I felt trapped. Trapped in my own skin and in my own body.
I needed out. Not out of my body, but OUT. I needed outside. I needed to move. I needed to feel the breeze on my face and the stretch in my calves.
So, we started walking. I'd haul them both up to the top of the stairs in their carseats, lock them into the stroller and walk. Up and down hills, around the zoo, anywhere. For hours. Finally, that girl was coming back. My body felt like it was starting to work for me again.
Slowly. Slowly. I started thinking that maybe I could. Maybe I could run again. Maybe I wasn't afraid anymore. Or at least, maybe I was bigger than the fear.
So, slowly. Slowly. I started running. Both kids in the double-wide jogger and, often, Shikay by my side. And we'd run. Slow at first. Okay really slow. Alternating walking and then running. Each time a little longer or a little farther. Until, one day, I was just running. And I was loving it. I felt like that little girl again. Braids flying behind me, running down Berkeley Avenue.
Every time I would run, my heart would pump louder and louder and my mind would untangle. Every run would leave me feeling breathless and so clear, all at the same time. I felt so strong, so unafraid, so much bigger than the challenges that had seemed unsurmountable. Those runs. That running. They were so much more to me than running. I had tackled something so much bigger than a few miles or a race. I had tackled my fears. I had lived through the pregnancy, the bedrest, the delivery, the NICU, the breastfeeding and now, I was running again. I had done it. I had proven to myself that I was capable. I could do it. I had done it. I was running.
That was why I started. Why I keep running is all of those reasons plus a few more. Two really. Milo and Isabel. Maybe even more Isabel than Milo. There is an amazing article written by Kristin Armstrong (yes, she's THAT Armstrong's ex-wife) for Runner's World magazine. In it she talks about running for her children and says,
"The way I see it, the only way to run counter to our toxic image-centric society is to literally run by example. I can't tell my daughters that beauty is an incidental side effect of living your passion rather than an adherence to socially prescribed standards. I can't tell my son how to recognize and appreciate this kind of beauty in a woman. I have to show them, over and over again, mile after mile, until they feel the power of their own legs beneath them and catch the rhythm of their own strides."
She goes on to say,
"It matters to me that my children see me out there, slogging through difficult miles. I want my girls to grow up recognizing the beauty of strength, the exuberance of endurance, and the core confidence residing in a well-tended body and spirit. I want them to be more interested in what they are doing than how they look doing it."
High-fiving Milo and Isabel as I crossed the finish line. Colorado Run 10K September '08.
This article made my heart soar and made the tears fall for me. This, THIS, is why Spencer gets my kids up at ridiculous hours and drives them to all sorts of crazy places to see me cross the finish line. This is why, every time I see them at the finish line, I cry tears of pride and joy. This is why I cried this last week when I crossed the finish line with them in their first 300m kids run. THIS is why I am so glad that that I found that little girl with braids again. And that she isn't afraid to run anymore.
Isabel, Spencer, and Milo just before their first official kids run. They did great. :)
THIS is why I started running. THIS is why I keep running. Like a girl. ;)
18 comments:
I was so excited to read your blog about running. You have already given me so much inspiration but it just helped all the more. I feel that same way about being "a runner" I am not that girl, but I want to be and I always have. I am starting slow but I feel strong when I do it and I feel really good. Thanks so much for all your encouragement and I hope to be able to run a 10k with you in November. By the way running has been great to change you in so many ways and might I mention that you look DAMN GOOD? I love you buddy..keep on running.
I can outrun my problems. They just can't keep up with me. Even if I am way slow. They take a back seat to the feelings of pure burn, pure unadulturated joy that I can make my body move, pure alone time with me and nothing else. It is like nothing else in the world. Even when I die at the end.
Very inspiring! I'm glad you run like a girl too (um...you don't though. I'm the one who runs like a girl - a tall lanky girl).
GO ERIN!!!
I really enjoyed your story and what an inspiration you are to me! But trust me, I HATE running! I do ok with exercising though. I will do that power walk, but the running just isn't for me! I wish it were. Way to go! You are an awesome example to your kids!
You are my hero. I'm being serious.
Holy inspiration!! That was awesome, I swear you have really inspired me, and I am serious. You are super woman. Loved your post.
I totally second Goldie; YOU ARE SUPERWOMAN!
This is my favorite post ever. And THAT is why I love you.
Awesome, Erin!
wow, thanks for sharing, so passionate, so personal, so motivating... thanks!
You make me cry. Thanks alot. Your writing is so inspiring. Please never stop. I love the picture of you crossing giving the high five. I read you other older posts an loved them. It was so fun to see you this summer, You are such a grounded, strong, beautiful woman. I'm glad to be your friend.
I'm a runner, I can finally say that after three years of diligently getting out there and doing it. I still don't LOVE it but I know it's good for me and I want to be an example to my girls, so I do it.
I loved this post becuase you totally nailed it. I've never done a race. Maybe now I will...thanks for inspiring...
awesome awesome awesome.
Erin, you are so amazing and have come such a long way from the little coal miners daughter with the long braids! You have always been very determined, accomplishing whatever it is you set out to do. Like bringing Aids Awareness and recycling to your high school. I am proud to be your mother. You inspire me. Always.
Awesome blog and amen (except mine would be hiking, biking and yoga). There's no more important journey than to ourselves.....again. I admire you more than you can imagine!
That is an inspiring post. I've been thinking about what I want to do for exercise that I can be passionate about. Running long distances always seems too daunting to me. I have always enjoyed short fast bursts. But this, like I said, is inspiring. Your description of slowly getting yourself to a point where you could just run brings a desire in me to do something similar. Thanks.
So the night I read this I was so emotional I couldn't comment.
You are so inspiring! Seriously you are such an awesome, mom, friend, wife and runner!
Running is hard, having twins is hard, breastfeeding twins is super hard. And taking twins who are breatfeeding anywhere is hard. So to think that you did it all, gives me strengh to do it! I still want to a marathon with you one day!
Love you! (not in a gay way).
Erin,
My aunt Tami (grami tami) told me I should read your blog on why you run. I want to thank you for your inspiring words. I spoke to Tami a couple of days before her surgery and I told her I was training for a marathon in January. (Heading to Phoenix for the rock and roll marathon) Tami asked me if I liked running. I had to think about it and I said "not really. IT is hard!" so she told me to read your blog. I have had to think since then about WHY do I run? And I have to say that it is the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that "Yes, I did that" and the feelings of pride I have when I hear my kids tell all their friend that their mom runs. I have four daughters and they have started to express interest in running with me. I want to keep going so that one day we might do a 5K, 10K, half or even a full marathon together. Do you ever get the overwhelming feelings as you are on a run that almost bring you to tears? I'm not talking about the ones you want to shed because at mile 15 you are hurting but the ones that come when you are thinking about what your kids are doing at the finishing line just waiting for their mom to come across? I did a half marathon in August and even though I knew my kids would not be able to make it to the finish line, I cried every time I saw a little family and their signs of encouragement for their moms or dads. They would be searching for them amongst the other runners so they could cheer her on at every mile or so. It was awesome to see that.
I have told my 10 year old that she can run the last mile of my marathon with me. I think of that on my long runs and it makes me want to add on that extra mile to get my self ready for that.
For my kids, my health, and my own sense of worth.
Thanks, Erin. I think your words have helped me refocus and remember why it is that I am doing this.
Sincerely,
Adrianne Wood
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