Everything you ever wanted to know about our adoption but were afraid to ask...or live too far away...or weren't sure how to ask...or just really want to know but feel kinda dumb asking. ;) (Also known as the most common questions people ask me or want to ask me.)
Q. What's wrong with your woman parts? (Ha ha. Not really how people ask it but, really, how I feel sometimes.) or Why not just have another baby the old fashioned way?
A. I have approximately 1 bajillion cysts on each of my ovaries. These, plus the hormone dysfunction that comes with them, prevent me from ovulating and, thus prevent me from getting prego.
Q. Why not do infertility treatments again?
A. There are a number of reasons...the quick version is this: Many treatment options have an increased risk of multiples. While I would gladly take full-term twins, chances are very good that any multiples that I carried would be born even earlier than Milo and Isabel (and I don't know if I could handle that scariness again). The limited options that do not have an increased risk of twins or more are, of course, quite expensive and not covered by our insurance. We thought long and hard about our options, prayed about it, and both felt that adoption was the road that was meant for us. That's not to say that, someday, we might not want to pursue fertility treatment--it just didn't feel right at this time.
Q. Why not just be happy with the two kids that you have?
A. We are very happy with the two kids that we have--thrilled in fact. But, we've always wanted more children. We love being parents! We love being parents together and we've always envisioned at least 3 kids--maybe more in our family. Spencer has 3 biological siblings and 2 stepsisters and it, honestly, could not be any more fun. Big families rock. We want that for our kids. Plus, we believe that families are a very important part of Heavenly Father's plan for us. :)
Q. Aren't you scared?
A. Absolutely. Terrified, in fact. I'm scared that we won't get picked. I'm scared that we will get picked. I'm most scared that we will get picked and the birthmom will change her mind. This is where faith comes in--in a big HUGE way. We are doing our best to trust in God and to trust that, when it's supposed to happen, it will happen. The baby that is meant for our family will end up with us. In the meantime, there is a whole lot of prayer going on around our house.
Q. How do you get picked?
A. Our agency, LDS Family Services, is not a "top of the list" agency (some are). Instead, it is all driven by the birthmoms. They "shop" through the profiles of couples within the agency (either online or with one of the agency caseworkers) and select the couple they feel is the best match for their baby. Because it's all birthmom driven, it could take us months or, even, years. The average wait time for our agency is 6-18 months. Once a birthmom picks us, the caseworker will contact us and we begin communicating. This could be anything from emails, to phone calls, to meeting in person, to not communicating until the baby is born.
Q. What's in your "profile"?
A. Our profile consists of a number of things...we have two online profiles (one with LDSFS and one with ParentProfiles). The online profiles give the basics about us, include a birthmother letter, and also have a number of pictures. Our "paper profile" is kept by LDS Family Services and includes a lengthier birthmother letter, all of our stats, and two scrapbook pages about our family. For the record, trying to summarize and sell your family in these fashions is a truly bizarre experience!
Q. Will your adoption be open or closed?
A. This is entirely dependent on the birthmom. Most adoptions now are open--many are very, very open. However, there are still some birthmoms who want a closed adoption. We are very open to having an open adoption and to having contact with the birthmom after placement. We feel--and the data seems to support this--that the truth is nearly always best and the more complete a background and story we can present to our child, the better. Also, we know several birthmoms who placed children prior to adoptions becoming more open and their grieving process seems as though it would have been easier to a degree if they had been able to have more extensive and longer communication with the adoptive families and their children.
Q. Do you care what race the baby is? What about drug exposure and stuff like that?
A. We are completely open to race and gender. We've decided to take a "case by case" approach to many of the potential challenges such as drug exposure and maternal health risks.
Q. How's it going? Has anybody looked at your profile?
A. It's...well...it's going. :) We've had several "false starts" as we've taken to calling them--some more involved than others. We had two last week. That was a rough week. :)
Q. What's wrong with your woman parts? (Ha ha. Not really how people ask it but, really, how I feel sometimes.) or Why not just have another baby the old fashioned way?
A. I have approximately 1 bajillion cysts on each of my ovaries. These, plus the hormone dysfunction that comes with them, prevent me from ovulating and, thus prevent me from getting prego.
Q. Why not do infertility treatments again?
A. There are a number of reasons...the quick version is this: Many treatment options have an increased risk of multiples. While I would gladly take full-term twins, chances are very good that any multiples that I carried would be born even earlier than Milo and Isabel (and I don't know if I could handle that scariness again). The limited options that do not have an increased risk of twins or more are, of course, quite expensive and not covered by our insurance. We thought long and hard about our options, prayed about it, and both felt that adoption was the road that was meant for us. That's not to say that, someday, we might not want to pursue fertility treatment--it just didn't feel right at this time.
Q. Why not just be happy with the two kids that you have?
A. We are very happy with the two kids that we have--thrilled in fact. But, we've always wanted more children. We love being parents! We love being parents together and we've always envisioned at least 3 kids--maybe more in our family. Spencer has 3 biological siblings and 2 stepsisters and it, honestly, could not be any more fun. Big families rock. We want that for our kids. Plus, we believe that families are a very important part of Heavenly Father's plan for us. :)
Q. Aren't you scared?
A. Absolutely. Terrified, in fact. I'm scared that we won't get picked. I'm scared that we will get picked. I'm most scared that we will get picked and the birthmom will change her mind. This is where faith comes in--in a big HUGE way. We are doing our best to trust in God and to trust that, when it's supposed to happen, it will happen. The baby that is meant for our family will end up with us. In the meantime, there is a whole lot of prayer going on around our house.
Q. How do you get picked?
A. Our agency, LDS Family Services, is not a "top of the list" agency (some are). Instead, it is all driven by the birthmoms. They "shop" through the profiles of couples within the agency (either online or with one of the agency caseworkers) and select the couple they feel is the best match for their baby. Because it's all birthmom driven, it could take us months or, even, years. The average wait time for our agency is 6-18 months. Once a birthmom picks us, the caseworker will contact us and we begin communicating. This could be anything from emails, to phone calls, to meeting in person, to not communicating until the baby is born.
Q. What's in your "profile"?
A. Our profile consists of a number of things...we have two online profiles (one with LDSFS and one with ParentProfiles). The online profiles give the basics about us, include a birthmother letter, and also have a number of pictures. Our "paper profile" is kept by LDS Family Services and includes a lengthier birthmother letter, all of our stats, and two scrapbook pages about our family. For the record, trying to summarize and sell your family in these fashions is a truly bizarre experience!
Q. Will your adoption be open or closed?
A. This is entirely dependent on the birthmom. Most adoptions now are open--many are very, very open. However, there are still some birthmoms who want a closed adoption. We are very open to having an open adoption and to having contact with the birthmom after placement. We feel--and the data seems to support this--that the truth is nearly always best and the more complete a background and story we can present to our child, the better. Also, we know several birthmoms who placed children prior to adoptions becoming more open and their grieving process seems as though it would have been easier to a degree if they had been able to have more extensive and longer communication with the adoptive families and their children.
Q. Do you care what race the baby is? What about drug exposure and stuff like that?
A. We are completely open to race and gender. We've decided to take a "case by case" approach to many of the potential challenges such as drug exposure and maternal health risks.
Q. How's it going? Has anybody looked at your profile?
A. It's...well...it's going. :) We've had several "false starts" as we've taken to calling them--some more involved than others. We had two last week. That was a rough week. :)
Usually, we don't necessarily know if a birthmom is looking at our paper profile. Our caseworker will notify us if there are special circumstances that he wants us to be aware of before showing our profile but, otherwise, we don't know about it. We have trackers on our LDSFS website profile and our ParentProfiles profile so we do know when people look at those. There's no way to distinguish between birthmoms, family, friends, other adoptive couples and your regular-old-run-of-the-mill-looky-loo though.
We're really hopeful that something will pan out soon. When we started this adventure, we had NO idea that we would have so many false starts. This definitely is not for the weak of heart--or stomache--and there are many more ups and downs than I thought there would be. That doesn't stop us from both feeling, very strongly, that this is still an amazing journey and one that we were meant to take.
There. Now you know it all. ;)
Now seriously, want to know something else? Just ask.
We're really hopeful that something will pan out soon. When we started this adventure, we had NO idea that we would have so many false starts. This definitely is not for the weak of heart--or stomache--and there are many more ups and downs than I thought there would be. That doesn't stop us from both feeling, very strongly, that this is still an amazing journey and one that we were meant to take.
There. Now you know it all. ;)
Now seriously, want to know something else? Just ask.
11 comments:
Thanks Erin for the honesty. I think taht you guys will be great with a big family!
I love you guys. Your honest, up-front approach is so refreshing. As always you're in my prayers.
Thanks Tara and Cathryn...after I posted this I worried that it was too much info for people. :) But, I do get asked these same questions pretty often and, usually, the asker will apologize profusely for asking. But, it really does help to talk about it. In some weird way, this is like being pregnant--and you certainly wouldn't NOT talk about being pregnant right?
Plus, being advocates for adoption is one of the lessons/changes that have come about for us in all of this. So, sharing our story is our way of advocating. :)
Thanks for sharing....I can't even imagine what you are going through. I think of you always and can't think of a better family for a baby to belong to :)
Like I've said before I wouldn't mind being adopted into your family...you guys are fun and hilarious! I hope you are dealing with the ups and downs okay. I do think and pray about you guys a lot and really feel like you will be given a very incredible experience when the time is right.
You are the best. Totally the best.
And now we need to have two babies born on the same day, so you and Jessica (both of whom I pray for every day, no lie) can get a baby at the exact same time and I don't have to worry about the other one.
We love you!!
What a great idea! I may copy it. I feel like people even some of my own family are afraid to talk to us about the adoption process.
I'm so sorry about the false starts...how frustrating!
You know that I'm feeling your pain sister! Hang in there! I pray for you guys too and I just put your names in the temple last week. I know it will happen for you just like it will happen for me.
Thanks.
Erin, you are a rock! And so is Spencer. You have such an amazing family! What a blessed baby he or she will be.
I think it's unanimous, you guys are "da bomb"!!
Thanks for this post. It is an awkward thing to bring up because you never know (and by that I mean I never know) what might be too sensitive or none of my MYOB.
thanks for sharing.
so sorry about the false starts!
we are thinking of and praying for you often!
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