Just because they're cute. :) Milo and Isabel after their blessings (christenings). June 2004Patience is not my virtue. It is others' virtue. Sadly, it is not mine--most of the time. I believe that I am patient with my children (most of the time), but as for all other things...not so much. I despise lines. Traffic. Delays. Hold music. If you know me, you know I err on the side of highly (overly?) scheduled.
Infertility is not for the impatient. Who am I kidding? Infertility is not for anyone. Except, it is for us. It is for me. It is our lot. We've been married for 9 years. For at least 6 of those years we've been hoping, wishing, praying, or trying for a baby (or for the safe arrival of those in my belly). For the last 2 years, we've been slowly working towards the realization...that it isn't going to happen. Not now. Maybe not ever again. For us, a biological child probably--most likely--won't happen again.
The reality was easier to accept in some ways and harder in other ways. Accepting that I might never again feel my belly swell or that I might never again sway when I walk still brings me to tears. Accepting that we may never again wonder if it will have my eyes or his feet was harder than I knew it could be. You're wondering where the "easy" comes in...once we decided. Decided that it was time to decide. Make a decision. We talked. And prayed. And talked some more. And then, for days, we didn't talk (chose not to) and just prayed and thought instead. And then, we talked again. And we both knew.
Adoption.
It was right there. In my heart. Like I'd always known it. Like...of course we would. Of course. That's been the easy part. The paperwork is another story. Until you've had to "check the boxes that best describes your relationship with..." fill in in the blank (your mother, your father, your spouse, your children), you don't fully appreciate the strangeness of it all. Oh, and be ready to prove that you have fire extinguishers. And a proper exit strategy. What a strange, strange journey this has been.
Don't get me wrong. It has been amazing. It has been spiritual and growth-inducing and...amazing. But also strange. It feels bizarre to send off such a giant check "for our baby" that may come in 4 months, in 12 months, or in 2 years.
Today, a big delay. Our fingerprint cards rejected on a clerical error. So, we start over on that. A five week (minimum) process back at square one. No longer a May approval..."hopefully July!". SIGH. Now we're back to the patience part. I'm learning. Slowly. I swear I am. Faith. Faith and patience. I can wait. What's 5 more weeks when it's been this long right? SIGH. All of the "Ts" are crossed and the "Is" are dotted. So, here we are. Waiting. We are now waiting to wait. We are waiting for our approval so that we can then wait some more. But at least we'll be out there then. At least we'll be an option. We'll be a "potential match".
We're so aware that we're so lucky. To have two children--to have any children. We know so many who have struggled too and who continue to struggle. I hesitated to post this. Then, I hesitated some more. But, ultimately, felt like we needed to share this.
Thanks for reading--and for caring. :) We'll just be here. Praying. For patience--and for that stamp.
18 comments:
Hang in there. The "delays" are just so that right spirit comes to your family...we love you guys!
I had no idea you guys were planning that. That is so amazing! You guys are just the greatest.
Um...WHAT!!???! Your finger prints! Are you kidding me! I am so sorry, and you know that I feel your pain and frustration like no other! We just found out that we have to get a North Dakota clearance because the eight years in Washington aren't enough!...and I can't get that form online... I'll e-mail you more on that.
Back to the post...I understand why you hesitated but I so glad that you did. You know we are patiently praying and waiting for you and with you.
Those are the best kind of posts...I love the stream-of-consciousness kind that help us know you a little better.
It's kind of fun that we have the Jessica connection now. She keeps me better filled in. We are praying you for you!
So if it takes more then a year I will have your baby! I know I know it may sound strange that I would offer to carry my brother baby but you know I just can't stand waiting either! JK (not really)!
What a cute pic of Issy and Milo. I can't wait for them to be able to help with their new brother or sister.
Honestly, Erin. Are you trying to make your posts so awesome so that all of us cry every time we read your blog?
You and Spencer are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I cannot wait to see what the future will be like for you and your family. I could cry just envisioning what Issy and Milo are going to be like with their little brother or sister. Wow- what a lucky little baby to come into your family!
We CANNOT WAIT for you guys!!! You are always in my prayers!
You are one of a kind Erin. Your baby will come....probably when you least expect it. I loved this post.
We are praying for you and your family. I can't even begin to understand what that process must be like and the struggle to get pregnant but you are an incredibly strong person and someone that I am very impressed and in awe with. Your blog is always a tear jerker and I am convinced that you should write a book. Your writing is great and so engaging...possibly something to think about in your future.
I hope the approval comes sooner than later.
Summer
I cried! and I want you to know we are praying for you as well.
Good luck!
something I have realized recently is that loving parents who "can't" have on their own are NEEDED. There are babies who are born who need a home to be loved in... sorry it is such an tedious (and long) process to get them to you!
Thank you for sharing.
Sometimes I wish that those who could get pregnant easily could share their great blessing with those who want it so bad. good luck with your process and in time it will be exactly what the Lord wanted it to be.
I am so happy for you guys for deciding to adopt! I know the patience and worrying and waiting is probably grueling, but I can't think of a more loving, deserving family than yours. Too bad Spencer's criminal past (fingerprints) is holding things up :). I can't wait to see who the lucky one is who gets to be a part of your family! You guys are the best.
Great post, hang in there, it will happen...we are praying, you guys are awesome :)
Each adoption story I hear of and read about is so completely different from the next...and yet all are "meant to be" and happen at the time and place they are "supposed to" happen (2 phrases you're probably sick of hearing!) Hang in there, we're thinking about ya!
You guys had our stamp of approval long ago! I hope this last hurdle goes by quickly.
I know somewhat of your struggles. It took a while for us too. Two of my sister-in-laws have similar struggles. Adoption is for sure a spiritual jouney. Even if your not directly involved. Stay strong and remember you have been given this jouney to travel for a wise reason. Keep the Faith. Love ya.
Mindy
I'm so happy that you have made that decision in your lives. Adoption is for those amazing parents that have the capacity to love a child like their own without it actually being "physically" their own. My brother and his wife tried for 5 years and finally turned to adoption. I prayed that it would go quickly and they would get twins. They turned in their papers in September and found out on superbowl sunday in February that they were going to be parents of twins. A boy and a girl. Their dreams came true. Those babies came a little over a month later. All it took was 7 months from the papers to the babies. Good Luck and we will keep you in our prayers.
goodness Erin......I cried reading this and then spent more time crying as I visited your adoption website....AMAZING ......you are amazing! look for an email from me.........
Double stamp of approval. You are in my prayers always.
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