You should begin the process of confounding your wife by suddenly and enthusiastically talking nearly nonstop about how you "need" one of those "sweet old bikes with the handles that move". When she professes that she has no idea what you're talking about, you should describe it in further detail until her jaw is agape and she states in disbelief,
"You mean you want a Long Duk Dong bike?!!" You should then pretend that you don't remember that infamous scene from Sixteen Candles when Long Duk Dong is riding that ridiculous bike with that one kinda scary girl.
Your wife will, of course, ignore you. She will think that you are just trying to annoy her and she definitely will not take your talk of "flushing the lactic acid out of my muscles after I climb" seriously.
You should then begin to confound her by saying things like, "Hey, will you look for one of those bikes for me while you're one Craig's List?" and "I stopped by a few yards sales on my way home from climbing but no one had a bike like that." and (sure to be your wife's personal favorite) "So that old guy that lives down the street has one of those bikes on the side of his garage. Do you think it would be weird if I went over and asked him if I could have it?". She will slowly begin to panic.
When your wife says that we do not have room for such a contraption and that she will only be able to think of the previously mentioned Long Duk Dong scene when you ride that bike, you should tell her that there is plenty of room IN THE LIVING ROOM RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GIANT WINDOW FACING THE STREET. Your wife will nearly die laughing at the thought of you riding that thing in front of the window. She will also picture you with sweatbands and a leotard and with "I'm a maniac!!!" playing as your soundtrack. Still, she will begin to sink deeper into her panic that you might actually come home with one of those things.
Just when you've worked your wife into said level of panic, just when she's feeling totally freaked that you are going to bring home some rusted out hoopty of a Long Duk Dong bike, you should do this instead: buy an old HealthRider from some people from church. Then, just show up with it. Also, act like it was the greatest gift from heaven ever. Your wife will be confounded. She will not know what to say. She will not be sure if she should be grateful that it's not the bike or if she should inform you that you will look even more ridiculous bouncing up and down on that thing than riding the bike in front of the window. So, she will just say, "That thing is NOT going in the living room." Then, put it in the garage, rock the sweatbands, and HealthRide at 5am several days a week to your rockin' Seattle circa 1996 soundtrack.
Your wife has been confounded.
9 comments:
Hey Erin,
I don't know if you remember old Ben and Jamie Belnap from Trivial Pursuit nights back in the days. We stumbled upon your blog through Lisa's and I couldn't help but commenting because your post was SO absolutely hilarious. I read it out loud to Ben and couldn't even get through it because we were both laughing so hard. And then we read it again for another laugh. You are a funny, funny person and it is even more funny that Spencer wanted that bike. It's great to see that your little family is doing so well and seems so happy. Your kids are adorable! It'd be great to see you guys sometime.
That is a funny story! Only can it be funny told by you though! He will get tired of the health rider, then he will want to sell it at a garage sale. Good luck with that!
We are SO driving by--soon!
Oh Spencer. Not your proudest moment. Now you just need a amazon woman to ride it with you and you will be long duck dong...although any reference to the classic eighties movie is alright by me. Can Mike and I watch you ride it next time we come over..just for kicks and giggles.
I wish with all my little girl heart that i could have seen Spencie riding a Duk Dong bike. Too bad.
What's happen' hot stuff!!
OH NO HE DIDN'T. The Donger is in the house- I mean the garage. That rocks. What a total dork, in a cute way of course:) That cracked me up so hard. A perfect way to end my night. It's been busy few months so not so much bloggin' for me. Glad to see your still funny as ever!
Maybe one night when the kids are asleep you two can sneek out to the garage and you can put on your old head gear and....Well you get the point. It would make for a great bloggin picture....TOTAL JOKE!
What a weirdo!
I think you need to take a photo of him from outside your house looking in... that is IF you are allowing it to be in your front room AND in front of the window like he wants. :)Such a funny story!
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